WOW, I couldn't say it better myself!

Taken from About.com
http://chronicfatigue.about.com/od/whatisfibromyalgia/a/understandfibro.htm

Fibromyalgia In a Nutshell

A lot of illnesses involve one part of the body, or one system. Fibromyalgia, however, involves the entire body and throws all kinds of things out of whack. As bizarre and confusing as the varied symptoms may be, they're tied to very real physical causes.
Fibromyalgia can take someone who is educated, ambitious, hardworking and tireless, and rob them of their ability to work, clean house, exercise, think clearly and ever feel awake or healthy.

• It's NOT psychological "burn out" or depression.
• It's NOT laziness.
• It's NOT whining or malingering.
• It IS the result of widespread dysfunction in the body and the brain that's hard to understand, difficult to treat, and, so far, impossible to cure.

The hardest thing for patients, however, is having to live with it. Having the support and understanding of people in their lives can make it a lot easier.

This link says it all! omg!

http://chronicfatigue.about.com/b/2011/02/21/debunking-myths-fibromyalgia-inability-to-deal-with-pain.htm?nl=1  

One week later...

I haven't written in a week cause, well, I have been soooo beat.  It's been hard and good and hard again.  Yesterday was really bad, today really, really bad.
Yesterday, I was exhausted from getting ready for work and the kids ready for school.  When I got to work all I could do was zone out and stare blankly at the computer screen.  I tried to work and my right arm got shooting pains all the way down, randomly... then my back hurt worse than normal, my hands felt like they were going to explode. I got scared about what was happening so I went to the doc. The doc was nice and told me to take some advil to get through the day and vicodin to sleep at night.  I didn't have the energy in me to tell him how bad it was, I was so agreeable.  Geeeesh!, Stupid!  As I was driving back towards work my arms were throbbing and the shooting pain kept coming.  I started having anxiety about going back to work and hurting so bad.  My anxiety got worse and worse so I went home, took a vicodin and went to sleep. 
Today, I woke up with a pounding headache.  Got ready for work, got the kids ready... the headache lasted all day but my goal was to get the conference schedules finalized and the conference letters printed for each student... got that done!  The sound of the school bell made me want to throw up... I moved on to the next project and started zoning out... head throbbing and shooting pain down both arms.  Plus the regular back ache and leg aches.  I started feeling super anxious.  I started feeling nauseous, hopeless, my body started getting muscle twitches.  I couldn't keep track of what needed to get done, I couldn't concentrate.  The sound of the office banter was making my ears ring and the kids on the playground sounded so overwhelming.  I wanted to die!!!!  Work is working against me.  My heart hurts.  I feel like my heart is missing beats.  I just can't take this!  I want to feel normal.  I don't want to hurt.  I want to work and adore those cute little kids on the playground.   I want to be part of the office banter.  Instead I turned out the lights in my office, sat on the floor under my desk and breathed.  I stretched my tight muscles and tried to relax.  I was so freaked out that the way I felt would never go away.  The breathing and stretching helped just enough to get me to 2:00.  My headache was so bad that I just couldn't imagine how I could get through the end of the day... the bell ringing and the kids dismissing... the parents in the office.  Uggggggggg!  So I left at 2:30. 
I am so glad I did.  I came home and rested in peace.  Trent came home at 3ish and he picked up Quinn from daycare for me (across the street), then Trent made some microwave popcorn and the two of them went upstairs to watch cartoons.  I feel so much better to be able to relax in my own home.  My headache is lifting but my brain is still in work mode..."get things done".  I wish my brain had a switch! 
Well, there is my update.  Sorry it's crummy.  It seems as all I do is whine and complain.  :(  So, I'll sign off with a few positive things:  I'm glad it's the weekend, I'm glad we don't have any baseball games and we can sleep in, I'm glad my family is home and we are all together, I love my home where I feel safe (even though it is a pig sty), and I am looking forward to cuddling up and watching a movie with my man.
Have a good weekend and wish me luck!  XOXO :)

My first day back to work

I am totally dead right now, it was my fist day back to work and I keep thinking how I really want to blog about it... so here goes:

It's 2pm and it goes like this:  ring ring "Hi this is Carly", caller: "Hi Carly, the boys 400 building has a boom-boom in the urinal can you let the custodians know.... Ohhh Carly WELCOME BACK, we missed you." 
Today went like this:  I slept through 3 alarms, luckily Quinn didn't and she got me up... she's such a great 4 year old!  I was groggy, confused and stiff but I got some coffee and we got ready.  Took Q to daycare and set off for my commute to work... a whopping .25 miles (hehe)... it was nice to be there and see everyone and it felt GOOD.  I felt alright and got myself situated.  The morning consisted of chit chat, looking through lots of emails and catching up on what's happening and what's happened...we did a quick fire drill... everything was all good... around 11am lunch began and the annual chili cook-off/ retirement potluck was going on in the staff lounge... I tasted chili, socialized a little and voted for my fav chili... then I went home to grab a netflix movie to put it in the mail... went back to work and started to go through my emails again... I have lots!... BUT nothing major... everything was pretty easy and even fun.  I never exerted myself, the staff  was great and super sweet, it was really nice to get back.  About 12pm the gal at the front desk had to go because she was up to 40 hours for the week so I went out to "cover" the front.  No biggie, do it all the time... about 12:30pm my back and hips started hurting really bad, then my arms started to tingle, my left wrist started to throb and I started to zone.  At 2ish I got a call about a "boom-boom" in a boys urinal and from that point on all I remember was smiling a lot to just get through the next 2 hours. 
So the day was great and the day was shizy.  I feel relieved that the day was great and I feel so shizy because I suddenly started to feel like shiz.  I had absolutely no control over the way I was feeling and couldn't talk myself out of it... once I started to "zone out" it was all over.  I am scared because today was a piece of cake, a walk in the park, and my body and mind failed me!!!  If a "boom-boom" in a urinal was the biggest problem of the day then the school day was a great day!  What the heck will I do when things go bazerk?  And believe me, days can be totally insane at an elementary school!... sometimes it's one insane thing after another for weeks!  I have been there so long and experienced some seriously crazy things YET I still do not cease to be amazed when something outrageous happens... because it will and it does!  The craziness is part of the reason why I love to do what I do... it's ever-changing yet routine. Bout now it's hard on me.
Is working right for me?... This is my question.  Sigh.

Sleep Study Tonight!

I have my sleep study tonight... I'm nervous!  What If I do something embarrassing in my sleep?  HAHAHA!  Oh I know it will be fine...
I woke up with that darn pounding headache again... I wonder if it's the lyrica?  Yesterday the doc up'd the dose from 200 mg a day to 300 mg.  My arms are not tingling (yay!) but my shoulder blade still hurts bad  from the "reaching incident" on Monday... It hurts to do certain things like lean over to brush my teeth, wash my face, brush my hair, shampoo my hair... I never know what move I make will irritate it but when it moves wrong it hurts like a mutha! 
I'm still doing the yoga program I found on Netflix for chronic pain... I really like it!  It's very easy yet stress relieving!  The doc also recommended a book for me to read so I need to go get it... it's called "Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy".  The counselor that I fired also recommended a book for me called "The Highly Sensitive Person".  I better get my read on! 

Goin back, BACK, back to school again...

The doc cleared me to go back to work on Friday!  I am so relieved and soooo nervous.  For the last couple of weeks I have been waking up with pounding headaches, the mornings are SO dang hard.  I want Friday to be perfect... I have absolutely no control over it though.  For example, Sunday night I went to bed telling myself that Monday was going to be a great day... I woke up with a pounding headache told myself to get through it, took some advil and told myself everything would pass over and it would be a GREAT day.... I walked Quinn across the street to her pre-k carpool, walked back home, got some coffee, sat on the couch to watch a little morning TV and check my email... the headache was lifting and the stiffness was working itself out.. BUT THEN, I reached over to the coffee table to pick up my cup of coffee and PAIN, major pain under my shoulder blade stabbed me and pounded me in excruciating pain.  The type of pain to put you in the fetal position and cry and cry.  I didn't cry, yet, I said several "french" words, laid back and tried to work through the cramping-stabbing-pounding pain.  This was at 9am... Throughout the day the pain would put me to my knees if I turned my head one way or took a deep breath or made any type of movement... by 2pm I was couch-bound on a heating pad.  To make this short story even longer, my mom came over to surprise us all with Valentine goodies {so sweet!}... Since I was couch-bound and she could see the pain I was in with the slightest movement she took me to the ER.  After x-rays the diagnosis was a pulled muscle OR pulled ligaments.  Basically, I pulled something and the fibromyalgia is making the pain worse.  I am psychically RETARDED!  My arms are always numb, tingly, and sore but now I am EXTRA gimp.  It's always something and I am SOOOOOO over it!  If it's not "this" it's "that". Go$h D@mn, $hiz, Mo-Fo.... I am sooooo over it!  So my point is... Even though I try to be flippin Polly Anna about all this, the Fibro shiz is in control and  it just won't listen to my reasoning.  Ask anyone, I am a control freak and I am not taking this fibro stuff well. Sigh.  I know my posts are so negative, but they help me vent... even though I sound super crabby all the time I really am tryin to have a positive attitude and get well.  Friday will be a good day, Friday will be a good day, Friday will be a good day, Friday will be a good day..............................

Jello

Well, I have overdone it.  My whole body feels like jello :( 
I seem to overdo it on the weekends when everyone is around.  Weekends are when the projects begin around here.  If I don't stay busy I feel like a worthless slob... So I start doing things without even thinking about it or realizing I'm doing it.  I have no restraint... I can't tell myself NO.  I have spent years and years and years ignoring the aches and trudging through life and taking care of "business".  This is a hard pattern to break.  Ya know???  The only thing is, my body is shutting down compared to the norm. Uggggggg. 

Retail Therapy

Thank goodness for my friend Tiff!  She knows that fresh air and a little retail therapy is good for me!  Today we took the girls to pre-k and went garage sale looking.  It felt good to get out, ride along in the car and just go with the flow!  I got a 10 piece heavy crystal punch bowl for $5!  SCORE! 
It was difficult getting up and out of bed today, the stiffness took long to wear off and my wrists hurt really bad today.  Really bad.  I pushed myself to get ready so I could go with Tiff and I am glad I did because I do like to get out of the house and do stuff.
The mornings seem to be the worst for me, I am stressed about going back to work and getting ready in the morning, getting Quinn ready and to daycare.  The whole morning routine is a whole lot all at once.  It seems silly but it has always worn me out!  And that's just the beginning of the day.  Uggg, sigh.
In a perfect world I could sleep in, get up at my own pace, move slow to get coffee and get dressed, check my email, blog, think about what to make for dinner, do a few things around the house and just take it all slow and on MY schedule.  Sounds a little LAZY, but SOOOO nice! :)
I am in the process of starting an etsy shop.  I make super cute flower hair bows form salvaged materials.  They are good for the earth and cute for you.  I have NEVER seen anyone else make them... only a few local copycats... which is cool I guess... imitation is the biggest form of flattery! 
One thing though about this etsy shop... my neurotic self is stressed about some of the how-to's... how do I mail the stuff if someone buys something, and how do I take a good picture... LAME I know and why it's not up an running yet... oh well... right now these things are on my own terms... I get to it when I get to it!... Right?  :)
Well, besides my throbbing, tingling, numb wrists and occasional ache and pain here or there today is a good day.  Those symptoms are the normal for the past year and 2 months... For me this is normal.
I am also SOOO relieved because Q is registered for KINDERGARTEN!!!  Thank you mom for taking the paperwork to the school for me!  :)

I can't sleep???

Dude, I can't sleep right now!  What is going on?  I feel great right now.  I actually feel alert and not so sore.  What is going on??????????????  I feel like I want to go run some errands, clean up the house and do some crafty stuff.  It's almost midnight.  What's the deal?  This is funny!  I am cracking myself up right now.  I feel giddy that I feel good!  I am such a NERD! What the heck???  :)

Let me count the ways...

Below is a list of the things that are stressing me out just this morning.  I'm not listing these things so you feel sorry for me, I am hoping to find out that I'm not the only freak of nature here and there are others out there like me.  The list is so random and to a normal person, most things listed would appear ridiculous.  Some are quite valid and enough to stress anyone out.  But ME, neurotic me... even through the breathing, the meditation, the yoga, the meds, here is a peek into the stress of Carly.
*My dad just had a vein removed because he has blood clots.
*My parents don't want me to worry about my dad...
*Right now a muscle in my ribs is twitching for no reason.
*I need to register Quinn for Kindergarten.
*I hope I get the teacher I want her to have for Kindergarten.
*I need to do taxes.
*Last year we short sold a house so we are probably going to owe taxes on the difference, Probably like 10grand will be owed.
*We are low on toilet paper in our house...
*Quinn's B-day is coming up soon, I always make a big deal of the kids birthdays.  I don't have energy to pick a party date and send out invitations.
*I haven't worked in 4 weeks.
*I'm not getting paid right now and I have not been approved for short term disability yet.
*I am worried about going back to work.  Will I have a million things to get caught up on?  Will the staff treat me different?  Either way I am full of anxiety over it.
*I have so much anxiety my heart hurts and skips a beat every once in a while.
*I think about the cardiologist who told me that because I have a hole in my heart I have to manage my anxiety, anxiety is bad for my heart.
*Right now a muscle in my leg is twitching for no reason.
*My house is a mess.
*Trent's room is half painted and all of the stuff from his room is in the hallway and has been for over 3 weeks.
*The kids need to make valentines.
*What can I make for dinner?
*Our christmas light still need to be take off the house.
*I need to pick Quinn up from school soon.
*I need to make lunch.
*There is a community yard sale in a couple of weeks, I'm excited to sell some junk, but I don't have the energy to gather things up.
*I left some coworkers hanging with a retirement party they are planning.
*Our school principal also retired early so we have a new principal sub right now, I don't know her but she seems nice... what does she think about me being gone and how will it be going back to work and adjusting to her "style".
*Will the parents bombard me when I return to work about why I was gone?
*When I go to my sleep study appointment, what will it be like?
*How can I become independently wealthy?
*I need to go through a stack of mail and bills on the table.
*I want to go clothes shopping but can't.
*I don't want to start wearing work clothes, my jeans and sweatshirts are so comfy.
*I need to put gas in my car.
*The dust in my house is driving me crazy.
*The ice maker in my fridge is messed up.
*I need to return the netflix movie.
*I used to be able to handle these things like super mom could.  I hate being a gimp right now.
*I hate when people ask me how I am because I am such a downer... I hate being a downer but I feel so crappy that I can't even fake being fine.
*Why do I obsess over all these things and why can't I just handle it???

Well, this is my morning.  My mind goes a million miles an hour, worry-worry, stress-stress.  I know it all seems SO STUPID.  I TRY to let it all go. I tell myself not to worry or think about it and to take things one step at a time, but it's HARD.  Welcome to the mind of ME. 

Shutting Down...

I am so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  I am so tired of writing how shizzy I feel. I want to feel like I did Friday.  I want more good days!  I am TRYING to have good days.  Why is this so difficult??? 
Counseling yesterday was a disaster.  The counselor made me SO MAD!  He basically told me that I need to stop doing things, specifically my kids extracurricular activities.  I told him that that was NOT an option, I was not going to discontinue the things in my kids lives that make them happy... and he said, get this, "But your SICK"... how dare he tell me I'M SICK.  Who does he think he is that I can just put my families life on hold because "I'm Sick".  I don't accept the fact that "I'm sick".  How does some old man understand that the job of the mom is very demanding and IMPORTANT.  Who does he think he is telling me to stop healthy activities in my kids lives that make them happy.  How could I possibly live with myself telling my kid he has to stop playing baseball because "I'm sick"... what does my ordeal have to do with my kids happiness and life dreams?... That guy is a whack job who just doesn't understand the role of a mom.  Then he told me if I want to be a mom then I should stop working.  Oh really genius? Now it's either-or??  My family ALWAYS comes first.   I fired him, cause that's how I roll.  Don't tell me "I'm sick" and to make my kids suffer. I just need to find balance in my life, and some old man who doesn't know me it not helping, he really stressed me out! Stress is the enemy, so why is stress so flippin available to me??????  I am shutting down... I don't want to talk to or see anyone. 

This morning is AWESOME!!!

I woke up feeling great!  I was still stiff and I snapped, crackled and popped getting up and going down the stairs BUT everything else feels so much better!  My head is clear!  I'm not feeling "out of it".  My wrists don't hurt nearly as bad.  I am SOOOOOOOOO stoked right now!  I can't even tell you! Yippee, yippee, YIPPEE! I am such a NERD!  :)

Lazy people annoy me.

As I sit here I can think of all the things I could be doing.  It's like I'm being Punk'd right now... I have time off work, the house to myself but I can't do shiz.  I COULD clean the house, organize my closet, do crafts, paint my front door, make an awesome dinner... but I just can't move.  I can think of a million crafts in my head that I totally want to do... this is so irritating.
My mentality is that if I'm not being productive I'm a failure.  I always need to be efficient.  If I'm not being efficient then I am not a good contribution to society.  I don't care for lazy people, lazy people who don't try annoy me.  I feel like I'm being lazy so I am annoying myself.  What is wrong with me?  Why can't I allow myself to rest without feeling guilty?  It's driving me CRAZY!  I am resting my body but my brain just won't stop!!!  Uggggggggggggg!  I need some retail therapy, can I get a doctors note for that? :)

Today, not so bueno.

It started getting worse last night.  It's really, really cold outside so I'm sure the weather is not helping.  I could hardly get out of bed this morning and going downstairs to get coffee was like trudging through neck high cement and my joints kept going snap, crackle and pop.  My head feels all cloudy and stuffy.  I keep zoning out.  I just took a higher dose of the Lyrica the doc prescribed... I wonder if that's making me more tired???  I am so irritated right now.  The house phone keeps buzzing when I try to talk on it and when someone calls on it- it really, really ticks me off.  I am so mad at the PHONE!  Pretty lame huh, I guess I can take my frustration out on a stupid piece of artificial intelligence piece of plastic!  Better the phone than a loved one. 

My Cutie

My darlin little Quinnie just ate a slice of chocolate cake and then licked the plate!  Quinnie had choloclate all over her face and most on the tip of her nose.  It was SOOOO cute!  I told her she had a messy face and chocolate on her nose... she said "no I don't mommy"... then she got up and said "I'll go check".  When she looked at her face in the mirror I heard the sweetest little belly giggle!  I cannot tell you how much I love that girl!  She is the sweetest!