Monday, January 31, 2011
New Day...
Today is a new day and the Doc is keeping me out of work for 3 more weeks. During these 3 weeks I am instructed to see the counselor to relieve stress and to take a sleep study test. I feel soooo STRESSED out to miss work. I know the office is short help as it is and knowing that I'm leaving my {wonderful} coworkers hanging and that they have to work extra hard to pick up the slack is sooo frustrating to me! I know I'd do it for them and they have my back but as I have mentioned in other posts, I am not used to being in this role. I know in my heart that this is the best thing for me... I know I have to CHILL OUT. I know I won't feel better if I go back to work tomorrow because I will just go and go and trudge on to get all the things done that need to be done and I will crash HARD. If I can get over this FUNKY-FLAIR and recoup then I will not CRASH & BURN hard... at least not harder than normal. I know I crash and burn... I do it all the time...almost daily as I come home and can be considered absolutely worthless because I am so tired! It's just always been the norm and it's not so bad... at least I am use to the "regular" crash and burn. I just don't think I've experienced it at this magnitude. My entire body aches, I feel like I am walking through wet cement that is neck high. I feel like I am in a tunnel and I can only see directly in front of me and every time I listen or talk there is a mild "whaw, whaw, whaw" going on. To sum it all up I feel so OUT OF IT. Even as I type, I stop and question where I'm going with this and can't get words off the tip of my tongue {or fingertips}. Even though people think I am a wimp I am really a tough cookie, I am NOT going to let this control me! To quote a very good friend "Oooooowwwwmmmmmmm" (that's the owm sound of meditation hehe).
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Clean Freak! Cluttered Home-Cluttered Mind- Clutterd Heart
I am such a clean freak! I can't stand all the clutter and knowing the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in 2 weeks, YUCK!!! I have 3 loads of clean laundry sitting on the family room floor just calling me to fold and put away.
I have had this fibro-flair for 2 weeks now and today I gave in, I mustered up all I could to just DO IT. I wiped all the crumbs and sticky stuff off the counters, I picked up dirty laundry and sorted it, and I vacuumed the family room. I feel so much better that the space I have been spending soooo much time in is a little cleaner. The clean laundry is still calling my name but I know I have overdone it. I am already paying the price. All I did was vacuum a room and wipe down some counters. OK and sorted a heap of laundry... but that was it... Why am I crashing after a normal, moderate amount of tidying up? I need clean and tidy to feel normal and less stressed. If my home is in order my life feels in order, sorta kinda. My husband, JC has been fantastic about helping around the house. He really has. Although since my diagnosis he has refused to read about Fibromyalgia and is in denial that this is chronic...like he thinks this is the flu and will be gone soon and we can resume to normal. I guess I'll get back to that later... So anyways, JC has been really good about being "Mr. Mom" he is cooking and doing dishes, helping me when I ask and just being awesome. My son is good about picking up the clutter and doing his chores and helping his little sister pick up all of her messes. BUT, they are not so great with the things I do, like dust, vacuum, laundry... JC will do the laundry but he will cram in as much as he can which is gross because how can the clothes get clean that way? Like I said I'm a FREAK! My family is perfectly happy digging through the clean piles to find something to wear... I like to fold them up nice and put them where they belong. Isn't that how it's supposed to be? I can settle right now, I can compromise. I feel SOOOO much better having this space that I have been spending most of my time in being a bit cleaner, the rest of the house is a dump and granted I do have close to 4000ft in this ginormous home to clean so even when I feel great cleaning is a big task. I am good right now with the family room being tidy and I can live with everything else being a STY. I just can't imagine this being my future. I am supermom, but right now I am supergimp. It's so frustrating to think about the future. I know this is how it's been for over 10 years but now it's the real flippin deal! I have to accept, understand and reevaluate the how's and what's in my life to avoid these horrible flair ups! I have always been one to write and write and write, I can tell you that even though I have to take many breaks between typing because my writs hurt so bad... This blog is such a stress reliever! To anyone reading this blog and going through the same ordeals, I would love to hear from you!
I have had this fibro-flair for 2 weeks now and today I gave in, I mustered up all I could to just DO IT. I wiped all the crumbs and sticky stuff off the counters, I picked up dirty laundry and sorted it, and I vacuumed the family room. I feel so much better that the space I have been spending soooo much time in is a little cleaner. The clean laundry is still calling my name but I know I have overdone it. I am already paying the price. All I did was vacuum a room and wipe down some counters. OK and sorted a heap of laundry... but that was it... Why am I crashing after a normal, moderate amount of tidying up? I need clean and tidy to feel normal and less stressed. If my home is in order my life feels in order, sorta kinda. My husband, JC has been fantastic about helping around the house. He really has. Although since my diagnosis he has refused to read about Fibromyalgia and is in denial that this is chronic...like he thinks this is the flu and will be gone soon and we can resume to normal. I guess I'll get back to that later... So anyways, JC has been really good about being "Mr. Mom" he is cooking and doing dishes, helping me when I ask and just being awesome. My son is good about picking up the clutter and doing his chores and helping his little sister pick up all of her messes. BUT, they are not so great with the things I do, like dust, vacuum, laundry... JC will do the laundry but he will cram in as much as he can which is gross because how can the clothes get clean that way? Like I said I'm a FREAK! My family is perfectly happy digging through the clean piles to find something to wear... I like to fold them up nice and put them where they belong. Isn't that how it's supposed to be? I can settle right now, I can compromise. I feel SOOOO much better having this space that I have been spending most of my time in being a bit cleaner, the rest of the house is a dump and granted I do have close to 4000ft in this ginormous home to clean so even when I feel great cleaning is a big task. I am good right now with the family room being tidy and I can live with everything else being a STY. I just can't imagine this being my future. I am supermom, but right now I am supergimp. It's so frustrating to think about the future. I know this is how it's been for over 10 years but now it's the real flippin deal! I have to accept, understand and reevaluate the how's and what's in my life to avoid these horrible flair ups! I have always been one to write and write and write, I can tell you that even though I have to take many breaks between typing because my writs hurt so bad... This blog is such a stress reliever! To anyone reading this blog and going through the same ordeals, I would love to hear from you!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
SuperGimp
I am a total SuperGimp right now... We got up and took Quinn to the "Itty Bitty Olympics" this morning so she could run, jump and play, came home and made lunch then couldn't even finish putting dishes in the dishwasher. How do normal things get to be huge challenges? I am in so much pain right now. The doc would say to rest but I have Trent's baseball game to go to next.... I can't miss it, he's my boy! Poooooor ME! Pity Party here. Can I just say since I am the host of this pity party that is is SO UNFAIR!!!!
OK, I know it will get better and I have so much to be thankful for and I am not the type to lay down and let this get the best of me... But right now, NO FAIR NO FAIR NO FAIR!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
OK, I know it will get better and I have so much to be thankful for and I am not the type to lay down and let this get the best of me... But right now, NO FAIR NO FAIR NO FAIR!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Frustration!!!
I know I have had this for a long time.
The process has been soooo frustrating.
So now that I know...
Why am I sooo freaked out? Because it's real? Because I know for sure I am NOT imagining things? Doctor after doctor had me doubting my own ability to know my own body, I was starting to believe I was crazy! How could a person be aching all over, then here then there without an injury or an accident. Doctors would look at me and talk to me like I was a crazy person and I just wanted to have something wrong with me. The truth is I never wanted anything wrong with me... I just wanted to know what was going on with me!
Now I know.
Now I need to explain to my family that this is real and a chronic condition that wont go away. There are good and bad days... JUST LIKE ALWAYS... now it's just a confirmed thing, FIBROMYALGIA. Will they understand? Will they care? Will they understand that all those times I was great one day then miserable the next be from fibro? Will it make sense to them? Will it finally all make sense that I am not just a complainer or a wimp? That I have a real thing going on???
Why does this entire situation disturb me? Because it's so real? I HATE being WEAK. I am a get things done kinda gal. This Fibro-Flair does not fit my personality, AT ALL! Sigh.
The process has been soooo frustrating.
So now that I know...
Why am I sooo freaked out? Because it's real? Because I know for sure I am NOT imagining things? Doctor after doctor had me doubting my own ability to know my own body, I was starting to believe I was crazy! How could a person be aching all over, then here then there without an injury or an accident. Doctors would look at me and talk to me like I was a crazy person and I just wanted to have something wrong with me. The truth is I never wanted anything wrong with me... I just wanted to know what was going on with me!
Now I know.
Now I need to explain to my family that this is real and a chronic condition that wont go away. There are good and bad days... JUST LIKE ALWAYS... now it's just a confirmed thing, FIBROMYALGIA. Will they understand? Will they care? Will they understand that all those times I was great one day then miserable the next be from fibro? Will it make sense to them? Will it finally all make sense that I am not just a complainer or a wimp? That I have a real thing going on???
Why does this entire situation disturb me? Because it's so real? I HATE being WEAK. I am a get things done kinda gal. This Fibro-Flair does not fit my personality, AT ALL! Sigh.
The Diagnosis
Tuesday I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I am relieved and speechless all at the same time. For over 10 years I have been extremely tired and always achy. In the last 3 months my Dr. has been leaning towards Fibromyalgia. Last week I went to the Doc because my arms were numb, tingling and in pain plus the rest of my body was achy and sore and my fatigue had the best of me. Doc put me on medical leave and instructed me to go to a Rheumatilogist and a counselor STAT. The Rheumatologist confirmed fibro, and what I am experiencing now is a fibro-flair up. In my case it is stress induced. The counselor wants me to eliminate things in my life that cause stress. The rheumatologist wants me to relax and go get massages every week, my doc wants me to take a new med that is supposed to help with fibro. All of this is really overwhelming and really does not seem do-able. No one can tell me how long this flair will last, so far it has been 12 days. In fact, the 5 minutes I have been typing has been really hard and I'm leaning towards taking a break....
I am 34 years old, married and I have 2 active children. I work at a busy elementary school as the school secretary. How on earth can I eliminate anything? I LOVE my job, I joke that I came with the building... I have been there as long as the school has been open, almost 8 years! My family is my number 1 priority! I can't not support my son and his baseball schedule, I can't not put my daughters hair in pigtails. BUT everything is so hard. How do I find balance? My home has been neglected for almost 2 weeks, dishes, clutter, laundry, dust. I am a clean freak and I just cant muster up the energy to do something about it... the condition of my home is really stressing me out! The counselor said to do things to help relieve stress... cleaning and crafts are the things that mellow me out. An impossible thing when your arms are numb and your body aches all over and your soooo tired. I am in such a FUNK right now. My head is telling me to get over this and snap out of it... but my body just won't listen! I can't let this get the best of me.
I am 34 years old, married and I have 2 active children. I work at a busy elementary school as the school secretary. How on earth can I eliminate anything? I LOVE my job, I joke that I came with the building... I have been there as long as the school has been open, almost 8 years! My family is my number 1 priority! I can't not support my son and his baseball schedule, I can't not put my daughters hair in pigtails. BUT everything is so hard. How do I find balance? My home has been neglected for almost 2 weeks, dishes, clutter, laundry, dust. I am a clean freak and I just cant muster up the energy to do something about it... the condition of my home is really stressing me out! The counselor said to do things to help relieve stress... cleaning and crafts are the things that mellow me out. An impossible thing when your arms are numb and your body aches all over and your soooo tired. I am in such a FUNK right now. My head is telling me to get over this and snap out of it... but my body just won't listen! I can't let this get the best of me.
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