Until I REALLY vent I don't think I'll ever get over it...

So I went to my office on Friday to disassemble my life @ work from the last 8 years.  I took my camera to take some photos to scrapbook and take down my things to put closure to it all.  When I unlocked my office door and turned on the lights I suddenly felt like I was sucker punched in the gut, my breath was taken away and I instantly burst into uncontrollable sobs.  SOMEONE, took it upon themselves to take down MY things, MY life and put it all into boxes.  It was like someone was telling me to hurry up and get the freak out.  Now the thought crossed my mind that someone did it with a good heart... but I SPECIFICALLY had a conversation with someone about this very thing.  I said "I am technically an employee on FMLA leave until April 29th, so it would mean a lot to me if NO ONE removed my belongings.  I will do it myself on the Friday holiday that no one works."  I made it very clear that this was important to me... so WHY would she allow someone to do that???  It's not like my heart is broken enough?  Now you gotta kick me when I'm down???  The whole thing is just so RUDE!  I feel sooooo meaningless.  Every time I try to work it out in my head I cry... I look at the boxes in my craft room that someone else packed up and cry, it wasn't their life to take down.  I put my heart and soul into my job and that school and I just feel so hurt.  This was going to be closure for me, it took me weeks to get used to the idea of packing it all up. I can't believe my life right now!  There are many pro's and many con's... It's really hard getting used to my new life. 

ShabTastic!

Just gotta say... I love Shabby Blogs! It has the cutest things.. if you haven't noticed my makeover... {durrrr, how could you miss it}
Check out the awesomeness!
http://shabbyblogs.com/

Dreading...

Well folks, tomorrow is the day I go to school to clear out my personal items from my office.  I have been dreading this day.  I chose tomorrow because it's a holiday and no one will be there.  I have YEARS of things in there... I know it's going to be hard dismantling everything.  My office is so cute.  I painted it, I have my kids artwork hanging up, family photos all over, and then random stuff all over the place like CD's, flash drives, crafty junk, ohhhh and then there is all my files on the computer and photos of all sorts of school events.  This is so heartbreaking and SAD!!!!!  So-sooooooo sad!  :(  Totally dreading it.  

7.5

On a scale of 1-10, ten being the worst... I am 7.5.  Today I am stiff all over and my arms have been in and out of numbness.  I feel extra "air-headed", and I have muscle twitches in random places every couple of minutes... it's so distracting!  Right now my butt muscle is twitchin... WEIRD!!!  The last couple of days I have been extra stressed about medical bills, groceries, disability paperwork, leaving my job.... I really, really thought I would be the school secretary until I was 70 years old.  I am sooooo bummed about it.  I LOVE being a key part of the relationships with students, staff and the families.  It kills me, my heart is aching.  I am gonna miss being there SO BAD!  I need to get over it, I know that.  I know that it's the best thing for me and my family.  I know every day when I am with my kids and feel happiness (not urgency and stress) being with them that this is the right thing.  I am just SOOOOO emotional right now :( 

TMI {Probably}

Well, it's been a while since I posted.  A lot has been going on and I experienced another flare up so I was "out" for a bit. 
Like I said, a lot has been going on... psychically and emotionally.  Emotionally, my doctor told me to refrain from work, PERIOD.  So, I have been taking steps to take a years leave of absence.  (A year because I am not ready to commit to forever) The process has been a lot of paperwork and meetings.  Besides that being draining, the thought of leaving a job and people that I love is so sad!  I get so upset with myself for not being able to "do it" that I stress myself out even more.  Through the process I have been approved for a year of leave.  It is such a relief and huge weight off my shoulders to know that it's all taken care of and I don't have to worry about work wondering when I might return and what's not getting done at the office.  It's all bitter sweet.  :( 
Psychically, (here's where it gets to be TMI) I had an IUD removed and a new one put in.  With the fibro, it made this procedure hurt so bad, I was down for a couple of days after with a lot of cramping.  Along with the IUD, I was diagnosed with IC, Interstitial Cystitis.  IC is a painful bladder syndrome which goes hand in hand with fibro.  For years I have had pain but never the "time" to really look into it.  It is painful in my low abdomen to sit from the pressure in my bladder and I have to pee a lot... 2-3 times at night.  In the last 2 weeks I have done 2 of 4 procedures for the IC, (more TMI) basically they drain my bladder and fill it up with medication.  That process also takes a lot out of me psychically and emotionally.  The fibro makes the simple process more painful than for others.
Along with my fibromyalgia I have and have recently been diagnosed with other "partner" illnesses:
Fibromyalgia
Chronic Fatigue
Anxiety Disorder
Restless Leg Syndrome
TMJ (Joint disorder in the jaw)
PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder)
Sinisitus
IC (Interstitial Cystitis)
And... hopefully no more coming :)