Guilty as charged!

I was found guilty of speeding yesterday in court.  BUMMER!  First of all, what the hell was I thinking?  I am so NOT the Carly I still think I am.  It was a really bad decision to think I could go in and fight it.  I mean, If I were myself then I'm almost positive I could have plead my case.  But since life decided make my body and mind specially challenged I ended up making myself psychically sick worrying about the court day.  Then, while I was in the court room I felt so much fear, FEAR!!! What the hell?... My mind was telling me that nothing bad was happening or going to happen but my body felt like someone was going to bust into the court room angry and try to hurt us.  So frickin LAME that I can't control this!  So I was sitting in the seat waiting for my turn and all I could do was breath and talk myself out of whatever I was doin... then it was my turn and I FROZE up, I was shaking, my voice was quivering, I left out tons of pertinent information and then I started to tear up.  After all was said and done with the judge and the cop  I went to find out about my fine and the procedure... While in route with an anxiety attack I went outside to call my husband to tell him I had till 5pm to get back to the court to pay the fine... I told him all about it and he drilled me on what I said to plea my case... we had gone over it and over it and we were both confident... I could tell he was frustrated that I "shut down" and even though he didn't say it, I know he was frustrated that  I'm no longer the wife he married who used to be awesome at doing these things.  So, Still at the courthouse, off the phone but still in major anxiety attack.  I went back inside and sat down in the AC, got a tissue and drank some water.  The Judge and the cop were chit chatting... and suddenly I felt compelled to talk to them.  I told them I was sorry for being a wreck and I was experiencing a lot of anxiety.  The offered to call an ambulance but of course I declined... I know the whole drill with my anxiety... just ride it out.  Then I told them I wanted to make sure they knew that I was NOT crying because I didn't get "my way" with the decision, I understand and all of that is fine.  Then I told them that the reason I was the way I was is because I was in a situation last year with lots of police and SWAT and from that point forward I seem to feel intense fear that something bad is happening whenever I see police or authority and I seem to freeze up and have uncontrollable fear.  I just wanted them to know that I was not a cry baby because of the ticket... the "crazy lady" in front of them was out of my control.  Really the whole conversation took about 3 minutes, the judge had me sit for a few to calm myself (talking to them made me feel better) and then I headed to the bank and then back to pay my $227 fine!  It's funny because the cop actually pulled up to me in the parking lot and wanted to talk, he was super nice and said I should go on a ride-along sometime.  Funny.
After all that, I am fully aware that I am a total NERD.  Everyone who will read this will tell me, "I can't believe you did that" or "oh Carly"... I know most people don't understand why I do what I do,  in fact, I don't know why I do what I do either.  I just go with what I feel I need to do.  I'm not going to apologize for being me. (whoever "me" is these days).