Karma?

I think to myself a lot... is this karma?  I was such a rebellious teenager, then my Hollywood days were full of havoc.  If my friends thought I was a wild child in high school then they had not seen nothing till my Hollywood years... I seriously partied like a rock star, with rock stars and Hollywood  A-listers.  When I lived in LA every year there were fires and mudslides in Malibu.  I would watch the chaos and think to myself that Malibu must have a lot of bad karma living there in those giant mansions.  Hollywood is flashy and bright and shiny, it sucks you in like quicksand and it won't let you out.  I could write a book about all the good, bad and ugly experiences I had in the years I lived there. 
Was I so bad?  Am I in constant pain now because I was so rambunctious then?  I feel like this is karma.  I hurt every second of my life.  Friends and family look at me and don't see a "sick" person, they don't understand that I hurt so bad.  They think I look fine and normal so I am ok, or faking it. Do they think that because I hold a SAG card that I'm a good actress and faking that I'm sick???... little do they realize is that YES, I am such a good actress that I have hidden my pain for years, and even though I sit and talk to then like I'm a normal human being I am in constant pain.  My arms throb and are numb all day and all night.  I scream inside and smile on the outside. I am typing through the shooting pain to feel human, to feel like I'm connecting with others, to keep me from crawling under a rock and becoming a hermit.  I don't want to give up, I will do what I gotta do.
I wonder, will my friends stop calling me?, Will people talk behind my back?, will my family leave me?, Is this all karma coming back to haunt me?  I feel like this can't just happen to someone for no reason, this is HELL.